28 Totally Random Thoughts From Myrtle Beach
I spent the last week in Myrtle Beach, SC swimming with children, bathing myself in sunscreen, and doing some thinking about life down by the boardwalk. Consider this a print-out of those thoughts:
1. This whole YOLO thing isn’t going way.
YOLO, or You Only Live Once, is the “WWJD” of this decade, as about half the shirts and hats I saw on the boardwalk bear the acronym. It also goes on my official List of Things I Never Thought Would Last Longer Than Two Years, which includes energy drinks, Taylor Swift and text messaging.
2. If I ever see my daughter wearing a “Beer Slut” shirt she will be grounded for months, and then forced to wear a turtleneck and corduroy pants for the rest of her life.
To clarify: there will be no wearing of shirts that say “Beer Slut.”
3. Cruise by Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly kinda makes me wish I had a brand new Chevy with a lift kit…
4. My two year-old son is in love and he doesn’t care who knows it!!!
Jimmy did not hide his feelings for this girl! Look at him…he’s hooked! Meanwhile, my wife, mother in law and I enjoyed chanting “Jimmy’s got a girlfriend!” and good Lord are we going to enjoy embarrassing him when he actually gets one.
5. We have a twin stroller and a baby stroller. So naturally our twins fight like savages over who gets to ride in the baby stroller.
Riley wins this battle…but the war is far from over.
6. My wife doesn’t think hotel maids need to be tipped. I, however, vehemently disagree and think they deserve to be tipped.
Of course, what maids really deserve when they walk into our cracker crumb factory of a hotel room is a heartfelt apology and a pay raise. Or better yet, a new job.
7. I totally forgot our anniversary.
Fortunately my wife did too, so I got a mulligan on this one. Say, will someone out there please give me a heads up about three days before Valentines Day? And equally important: will someone give my wife the same heads up?
8. The pool is no place to call a toddler’s bluff on the subject of going “poop.” Moving on…
9. Restaurants that slip a $.50 charge on the bill for each little Dixie cup of ice water served should be shamed publicly.
This place belongs on some kind of sex offender registry for restaurants. If you see this establishment then I suggest you hide your kids and hide your wife! And your husbands too!
10. Whoever invented spray-on sunscreen deserves a Nobel Prize as far as I’m concerned – a mind-blowingly genius invention on the same level as air conditioning and the bunk bed.
Fear not: this white boy is totally covered!
11. Navigating a double stroller through heavy pedestrian traffic on the boardwalk is pretty much the worst thing ever. It involves a lot of this: “Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.” Now repeat…
12. “No, daddy, no!” I hear that quite a bit now, and will probably continue to hear that for at least the next 18 years. Nooooo!!!!
13. Getting our toddlers to leave an arcade without crying is simply impossible.
“More! More! Please! Please! No, daddy, no!” Yea, that’s the thanks I get for shelling out every last quarter to my name.
14. Watching Shark Week minutes before heading out to swim in the ocean is kind of terrifying.
Not too deep son!!!!
15. The 1200 N Ocean Boulevard at which we arrived after 8 grueling hours of driving is about 45 minutes from the 1200 N Ocean Boulevard we really needed to get to. Dang you iPhone Navigation!!!!
16. Continental breakfasts are so underrated. I applaud the hotel industry for making this pretty much standard. Now let’s start working on Continental lunches, dinners and midnight snacks…
17. There is an ocean and four amazing pools at this hotel, and naturally our kids want to spend almost all of their time on these 90+ degree days in the 102+ degree hot tub.
18. Watching hundreds of disgusting catfish eat little pieces of grain is strangely fascinating to me. Is that weird?
19. There is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a delicious fruity beverage in a lazy river, and having rowdy teenagers ruin EVERYTHING by turning it into a racetrack. #firstworldproblems.
20. When your son wants to ride the giraffe but someone else takes it and all that’s left is a horse, carousel rides are only medium-fun.
#toddlerproblems
21. At what point during the course of an eight hour drive is it no longer a lie to tell your children that they’re “almost home”? After two hours? Three?
22. Nothing will make you run through a fast food restaurant faster than seeing your two-year old daughter naked in the play place. Like, totally, completely, 100% naked. Not even socks.
23. In high school, I came here for “Beach Week.” Now, 12 years later, it’s referred to as “a week at the beach,” and trust me there’s a huge difference.
24. You know you’re a mom when…
…an expensive pineapple drink starts leaking and you fix the problem by putting a diaper on it. Mom with the save!
25. This is what 95% of our family pictures look like:
26. The Ferris Wheel is the only place in Myrtle Beach that offers a military discount.
Trust me, my wife checked everywhere. Every. Where.
27. My daughter sleeps with her bottom pretty much straight up in the air. Which is amazing.
What’s even more amazing is that my mother-in-law, Tricia Craddock, slept with these two each night of the trip so my wife and I could get some sleep. Yes!
28. And lastly, thank you, Gunnery Sgt. Ryan Jeschke, USMC.
A year ago this week, Jeschke was killed while honorably defending our country in Afghanistan. He was a hardcore special ops Marine serving his fifth active duty deployment. Five deployments. He embodied “YOLO” before YOLO became YOLO.
And more importantly, he sacrificed his life for others, which is exactly “What Jesus Would Do”
May God bless his wife and family, and may our family never forget the sacrifices others have made so that we can spend a week playing in an arcade, drinking in a lazy river, and yes, chasing my naked daughter through a Chick-fil-A.
Hold On Daddy's Coming! 
Nice article! You seemed to have a good time while you were here! I have a couple of questions:
What is the name of the pizza shop? I will “publicly shame” them for you on my website http://www.myrtlebeach2do.com – that’s horrible.
I can’t believe that the Skywheel is the only place to offer you a military discount! I’ve gotten a military discount at all Ripley’s attractions, Pirate Adventure, Myrtle Beach Speedway and Medieval Times.
I shared this post to my (still small) facebook page, hope it helps you get a new subscriber or two!
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Thanks Tom! And yes, we did have, and have always had, a great time in Myrtle. I think the name of the pizza joint is, quite originally, “New York Pizza.” And perhaps I exaggerated a bit on the military discounts, but we didnt even check those places out so good to know for future reference. And speaking of reference, I checked out your website which is amazing and will come in handy when we plan our next trip. Thanks!
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Love your blog! I chose to use at least a half hour of my kid-free zoning out time reading your posts. That says a lot! I love dad blogs too. Can’t wait to read more and thanks for the follow too! -Meredith
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Thanks so much and same to you!
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