Butter, Butt Cream & Other Things Our Toddlers Eat (A Poem)
Here’s a little poetry,
On things our toddlers eat,
Never dined with a two year old?
Then hang on to your seat!
Consider this your warning,
And please try not to judge.
Our kids enjoy disgusting foods,
And their hunger just won’t budge.
I’ve also added things they drink,
Cuz neither has forbearance,
And when you read just what they chug,
You’ll think we’re awful parents.
One final little caveat,
While I have you in suspense,
Everything you’re about to read,
Is inspired by real events…
Let’s begin with bath water,
So quenching you may drool…
It features dirt and bubble bath,
And taste’s like a kiddie pool!
It’s basically Gatorade…
Yep, this concoction is a favorite,
And despite my desperate pleading,
These kids will drink it down so fast
You’d think they were competing.
They’d also take a Diet Coke,
The drink that keeps mom sane…
Looks like one of them sneaked a sip,
Aaaaannnnd now it’s going down the drain.
To eat, they want full sticks of butter,
Which is always a sensitive issue.
“What do you mean we can’t have this???”
Oh boy, were gonna need tissue…
Now let’s add a boogar or two,
Freshly picked from the source…
If at first they can’t quite reach the prize,
They’re bound to stay the course.
And what’s tastier than a Sharpie?
Or even a flavored marker…
The perk is that it can also be used
To make pale skin just a bit darker.
Oh, what’s this they found in the backyard?
Could it be an old sippy cup?
It contains a solid that used to be milk,
But who cares? They’ll drink it all up!
I’ve read that the sins of the father,
Are passed to the next generation.
Perhaps that explains why their fingernails,
Are chomped at without reservation.
And who says dog food is only for dogs?
It has such a wonderful taste!
Besides, “Lilo” wasn’t hungry anyway,
And we don’t want it going to waste…
In the mood for some Italian?
Then do I have a meal for you,
Crusty old noodles found under the table…
It’s a perfect dinner for two!
And if that sounds delicious,
Then you’ll find this to be splendid:
Butt cream is a popular item,
And it’s highly recommended!
Craving something from the sea?
Well, we have the perfect dish…
A fist full of sand will not disappoint,
Heck it even smells like fish!
And although not a meal per se,
They’ll chew any pair of shoes,
The ones they wore in the rain and mud,
Are the ones they’re bound to choose.
In the mood for something cherry?
Then do yourself a favor…
Sink your teeth into mom’s ChapStick,
And just enjoy that flavor!
Surely you’d like an old fruit snack
That fell way under the seat…
Or better yet, a piece of gum,
They scooped it off the street!
Maybe it’s a “special night,”
And you’re craving something refined;
Our coins and jewelry are Zagat-Rated,
In case you feel so inclined….
Calamine lotion goes down so smooth,
And tastes just like apple juice!
But mom hesitates to call poison control,
Cuz they’re bound to think child abuse!
“Oh, please don’t drink dad’s special drink!”
It’s sure to make them nauseous…
“And spit that wire out right now!”
Cuz you can never be too cautious…
Of course, some things don’t surprise me,
Cuz kids are easily predicted,
I guarantee he’ll eat that scab…
He was drooling when he picked it!
“NO, NO, NO! Let’s not eat that!”
You know you’ve said it too…
Cuz how was your kid supposed to know
That it’s “yucky” to eat dog poo?
True, they’ll eat some normal foods,
Some items worth retaining…
But if they neglect to use their forks,
The scene becomes quite entertaining.
Watch them using just their hands,
While scarfing down spaghetti.
Chocolate pudding without a spoon?
Yea… I’ll get the tub ready!
Soon as they learned to open the fridge,
Our kids began living like kings,
“Who spilled juice all over the couch???
See, THAT’S WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!”
Mutiny!!!
That which our toddlers eat and drink
Will never cease to amaze me.
And the more I try to regulate,
The more they drive me crazy.
I might as well surrender,
And stop being so judicious…
Perhaps I should try some Desitin,
Who knows? It’s probly delicious!
All along I’ve been close-minded,
And now I feel like a fool,
Why be constrained to just five seconds?
Let’s make it the Two Hour Rule!
A mound of ketchup on my corn?
It makes my taste buds blossom…
Hot sauce on this Oreo?
Yea, that sounds totally awesome!
So here’s to a whole new attitude,
On healthy eating and diet,
Now pass that dog food over cuz…
I’ve desperately wanted to try it!
Hold On Daddy's Coming! 
I have really been enjoying your entries. You have great perspective and humor on life. If possible, could I ask you a few questions via email regarding JAG and how it relates to law school and family?
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Thanks! And of course. I’d love to give you some perspective on things. Let me know if you can’t get in touch by email and ill send you my address.
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Great. I tried leaving you a message on FB… not too sure if it went through. I couldn’t find your email through your blog, so that would be great if you could send it through this site. Thanks.
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Ok, well shoot me an email at jhowland 83 at gmail dot com
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