Hold On Daddy's Coming!

Stories, rants and reflections by a clueless father of three

Archive for the tag “Jesus”

A Journey Through Shawn Kuykendall’s Awesomely Random Facebook Page: Part 3

This is Part Three of a four-part series on Shawn Kuykendall’s epic Facebook page.  In case you missed it, Part One featured #throwbacks and YouTube throw downs, and Part Two brought us numerous surgeries and selfies.  We now pick up where we left off, with yet another treasure chest of Shawn-given amazingness.  Let’s go!   

2012:

What’s notable about 2012 is that Shawn kept the fire that is his Facebook page burning brighter than ever.  Here are a few snapshots of brilliance:   

I just had a Baconato combo. I am about to throw up,” and

Sometimes I get nervous when I see an open door,” and

Recent poll (conducted by me) found that girls don’t like guys with a dumpy butt. #screwed.” 

Ahh, yes.  He’s still got it!     

2012 is the year Shawn proves he may be a thirteen-year-old girl trapped inside the body of a grown man.  As evidence, I note that he takes his use of the word “jeally” – a tween-friendly substitute for “jealous” – to extreme levels.  Further, he makes no mistake about his fondness for pumpkin spice lattes, The Bachelor, and Hansen’s hit song MMMBop.  Throw in status updates like “Omg Biebs and Selena broke up!!! #devastated” and it’s a no brainer. 

And then there’s “SIKE!” See, “Sike!” is a great way to note that the previous statement was totally false, and made with intent to deceive.  Ex: “Ankle socks look great with sandals!  SIKE!”  Shawn used this expression back when he traded Pogs and knew all the lines to Free Willy; but then, like the rest of his generation, he stopped using it shortly after the sixth grade…

SIKE!  Shawn will turn 30 this year, and he’s still going strong.

#Kuykenstrong

See? He works out…

Our last new word is “cised,” which appears to be some kind of synonym for “excited.”  Ex: “100% chance I wake up at 3am to preorder the iPhone 4s. I’m cised!”  As with most Shawn-isms, “cised” can stand alone as an entire sentence and be spelled with seemingly unnecessary letters, like this: “Banana Republic is introducing a new line of European-cut suits!  Ciiiiiised!” 

So to recap: “jeally” means jealous (if you’re still in middle school), “Sike!” means just kidding (if you’re still living in the 90s), “cised” means excited (at least I think), and “ciiiiiiised” means super-duper excited (with a cherry on top).  Got it?

Now let’s get “cised” about the highlights from this rather fantastic year: 

February: Shawn turns 30.  To mark the occasion, hundreds of people post on Shawn’s wall, and each of them has a different nickname.  Here’s a few: Shawny, Donald, Uncle Donnie, Prawny, Brodo Baggins, Sine, Dino, America, and Americaaaaaa.  And the notion that people actually call him “America” makes me so ridiculously jeally.    

March: Shawn takes everything I know to be true about fashion and throws it out the window.  Indeed, first he announces that cargo shorts “couldn’t be more” out of style.  Then he claims he’s “over” plaid in all forms (including Target brand pajama pants), leaving me with practically nothing left to wear.  What’s next?  Is he gonna tell me I shouldn’t be wearing workout sneakers to social functions?!?! 

April 21: Shawn posts a picture and asks everyone to “name what’s wrong with it.”  Guesses include (a) that it’s a close-up of “some dude’s crotch,” (b) the fact that the man “doesn’t have arms,” and (c) the notion that “he’s physically disabled and you just don’t like that about him.”

Sneakers

All of these answers had promise, but as it turns out Shawn took issue with this man going to a social function in… you guessed it… his workout sneakers.  I should have seen this coming. 

May: Shawn asks Facebook if anyone “wants to cuddle?”  He gets one response from a female, but unfortunately it’s just a recommendation to “get a dog.”  Just as it started to look like all hope was lost, friend Jason McGraw saves the day with this rather adorable response: 

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May also marks the month Shawn drops this bomb of amazingness:

Yep.  What you just watched was a video of Shawn wearing questionably snug white pants to compliment some well-choreographed dance moves (with sister Sami), all to the tune of some song called “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing,” and all in front of the sheets that Shawn slept on when he turned seven years old.  By the way, did anyone else catch Shawn’s amazing intro slide about five seconds in?  Yea, the only reason I don’t feel like dancing is because I feel like slow-clapping instead.   It’s glorious! 

June: After years of keeping it in the dark, Shawn finally admits: “I think I like blue.” Wow.  Good of Shawn to finally get that off his chest… 

August:  Shawn posts one of his patented while-driving selfies.  To think: this is one of those valuable skills that driving schools simply aren’t teaching their students. It’s an outrage! 

Shawn Selfie 2012 Driving

The Inventor of Driver’s Seat Photography

September: Shawn’s friend Melanie posts a close up of Shawn’s torso, and if you look closely it appears to contain feint traces of definition.  Now, I’m not sure if this is the result of (a) a successful Hot Body Campaign, or (b) Shawn wearing smaller shirts.  Option (c) of course is man boobs.  But I seriously doubt that’s the case…

Hot Body Campaign 2 2012

October: American University’s finest soccer coach reminds us why he isn’t cut out for a desk job…

Election Day: Shawn contrasts political candidates with a man named Jesus Christ, and lets just say things don’t go so well for the politicians.  Say, this is legit wisdom!  Kuykendall for Congress! 

December: Shawn’s friend Kimberly takes him to the White House Christmas Party, where he apparently meets President Obama and then just kind of strolls around the Executive Mansion for a few hours with seemingly unfettered access.  Here he is stealing fruit belonging to the most powerful man in the world…

Who let this guy in?

Who let this guy in?

Days later, Shawn finishes the year off right by demonstrating how just one misplaced letter can account for the difference between having a sick mind, and being legitimately homesick:      

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2013 (January through June):

2013 marks the year Shawn assigned a fun little name to each day of the week.  From what I gather, they are as follows: Cabernet Sauvignon Sunday, Tickle Me Tuesday, Way Back Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, Man Up Friday, and Selfie Saturday.  And apparently Monday no longer exists. 

February: Shawn earns something called an “A” Coaching License.  This is a really big deal to Shawn’s mom, who’s going nuts about it.  But that’s not saying much because as his former homeschool teacher it’s likely she goes nuts every time Shawn earns an “A.” Heyoooo!  

March:  Shawn posts the following picture of a cute little puppy taking a “legit” selfie while lying down for an afternoon nap:    

Concedes Shawn: "I have to respect it."

Concedes Shawn: “I have to respect it.”

March 28: Shawn is publicly admonished for that night’s dreadful goaltending performance.  The ensuing conversation sends Shawn spiraling through the four stages of grief: 

1.  Denial: “Sometimes you save it.  Sometimes you don’t.  What can I say!

2.  Anger: “I didn’t have gloves!  Blame Billy Knudsen!

3.  Depression:  “KuykenBotch in goal today.  Disaster.” 

4.  Acceptance:  “All I can say is sorry…

April: This happened…

Selfie in Bath 2013

Yep, leave it to Shawn to post a scandalous mid-bath selfie while eating an ice cream cone.  Even better are the comments, which range from “porno!” to “weeeeiiiird” to “I just threw up” to “I approve of this.”  And for the record I too approve of this…

June 17: Speaking of weeeiiiird, Shawn posts a picture with his parents and notes that they “made” him – both “figuratively” and “literally.” And I don’t know about you, but Shawn’s unsolicited crash course on human reproduction really makes my day – figuratively, and literally.  

Made Shawn 2013

Well folks, that’s the end of this leg of our journey through Shawn’s amazing Facebook page.  As a parting gift, I leave you with this picture of Shawn getting SILLAAAYY on the dance floor while other men judge him in the background.  So nice of the DJ to finally play MMMBop just for Shawn…

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A Journey Through Shawn Kuykendall’s Awesomely Random Facebook Page: Part 2

This is Part Two of a four-part series on Shawn Kuykendall’s epically peculiar Facebook page.  In case you missed it, Part One featured a classic Christmas video, a larger-than-life pimple, and a late night run-in with Norman the Zebra.  With that in mind, it’s hard to believe things could get any more spectacular.  Oh but they do…

2010:

On March 27, after a two year Facebook hiatus, Shawn announces that he is “BAAAACK” and “better than ever.” And indeed he is.  But what truly makes 2010 such a special year is that Shawn linked his Twitter and Facebook accounts, opening up a floodgate of profound must-reads.  Like these:

Soooo I burned my mouth on hot cookies haha” or

“Golf at Oak Marr.  By myself haha again” or

“Aaaaand someone farted during prayer at the morning devotional.”

Note: can’t you just feel yourself becoming more intelligent?  

2010 is also when Shawn regularly begins using several variations of the word “donk,” which I confess is a new one on me.  The context in which Shawn uses this word leads me to believe it’s an abridged version of “donkey,” used to mock someone as both a noun (“haha you’re such a donk ”) as well as an adjective (“those cargo shorts are “ri-DONK-ulous”).  Which could explain this:  

"DOOOOOOONK!  It was so cold.  I had to!

“DOOOOONK! It was so cold. I had to!”

Botch” becomes another regularly employed Shawn-ism, especially when spelled with about seven extra “O’s” and used in the following context: Mess up of night by me…  I said, “down to your nutties” and “down to your uhohs!” BOOOOOOOOOTCH haha”  

Oh, and speaking of things botched, here are a few statements I’m sure Shawn would like to take back:

– August 14: “Redskins…Super Bowl.  There I said it.” (Finished dead last in the NFC East…). 

– September 14: “I could not be happier about having Donovan McNabb as our quarterback.”  (Replaced by backup Rex Grossman four months later…). 

– November 30: “The Miami Heat will NEVER win a championship.” (NBA Champions 2012, 2013).  

And since we’re talking sports, lets discuss the 2010 World Cup, during which Shawn’s 24/7, non-stop commentary created a flood of soccer analysis that nearly drowned my Newsfeed.  Think: “Wow Netherlands, WOOOOOOOOOWWW,” then “Come on Netherland,” then “Holland is not sharp right now,” then “Dumb foul by van bommel,” then “Violent tackle from de jong”…  all in the course of, like, fifteen minutes. 

Other highlights from this great year:

May:  Shawn portrays a main character in “For The Glory” – a movie about how Kurt Kuykendall found Jesus and became really good at – shocker here – the sport of soccer.   Shawn insists his dad is a living legend, but does so by merely referring him as a “ledge.”  To recap: Kurt Kuykendall = “ledge” = living legend.  Got it?  

May also marks the launch of Shawn’s “Hot Body Campaign,” inspired by the realization that he is both “fat” and “soft.” And while normal humans would characterize this as “getting in shape,” Shawn insists it’s all about “getting his body RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.”  Right.

June:  Shawn gets stranded on the side of the road with a “double flat tire” and praises God for it “in all seriousness.”  Funny how Shawn sees God’s wisdom in something as crappy and bizarre as a car breakdown.  In the future, Shawn will face circumstances that are infinitely more crappy and bizarre, and his response will be no different.  In all seriousness.      

July:  Shawn publicly eats Captain Crunch cereal and collects silly bands because, you see, he’s actually seven years old.  

"Seriously, if you wear silly bands you are nuuuuubs”

“Seriously, if you wear silly bands you are nuuuuubs”

August: Shawn has the most highly documented ACL surgery in the history of mankind.  And I’m not joking:

That's the knee...

That’s the knee…                                           

Same knee...

And here it is again.

And here it is again...

Same knee…

 

 

 

 

 

 

October 2: Shawn announces that he is “In a relationship” with a girl that he clearly met that night. Here’s her classic take: “hahaa you’re a creep. I never accepted you as being in a relationship…and I just met youYou’re ridiculous.” 

Shawn’s response? “Were in a fight…our first fight.”   

It’s for the best that things didn’t work out, because if Shawn had a lady friend by his side then the following “Selfie of the Year” may very well never have been taken.  Props for an amazing caption: 

“The Owls of Ga’Hoole 3D IMAX! By myself!  Siiiick!”

“Owls of Ga’Hoole 3D IMAX! By myself! Siiiick!” 

Fashion Statement of the Year: “men can wear cardigans.”  Hooray!  Wait.  What about everything else Mr. Rodgers wore?  Any restrictions?  HELP!!!!

And then there’s this:   

Yep, what you just watched was Shawn (and sister Sami) dancing, leaping, and crypt walking around a miniature Christmas tree, with cameo appearances from a fake swordfish and just about every power tool in the Kuykendall shed – all to the tune of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”  It’s literally all I want for Christmas. 

2011:

This year ushers in a tidal wave of profound status updates.  Brace for the brilliance:

– “My butt just went numb from sitting on the floor next to the wall charger so my iSilly could charge…” and

– “At an orientation for new staff… This guy across me has a money coffee stain on his collar…. Yiiiiikes” and

– “Ryan Reynolds is a boat of dreams;” and

– “Thursday? yup… looks like a great night for a bath.”

2011 also marks the year Shawn becomes the king of “liking” his own comments, links, pictures and statuses.  There were times when Shawn was the only one.  He was never deterred…

Highlights from the year that was:

January:  Shawn gets stuck in an epic traffic jam (oft referred to in the DC area as the “Traffic-pocalypse”) and posts a video of himself singing “Hakuna Matata.”  What a wonderful phrase!  

May:  Shawn’s team makes it to the finals of the American University staff volleyball tournament.  Says Shawn: “we live for opportunities like this.”  And indeed we do. 

Shawn also launches a soccer training camp called the Kuykendall Academy.  My guess is that this is just an excuse to play soccer 100% of the time he is not otherwise sleeping, eating Popeye’s, or attending weddings.   

July: Shawn finally figures out why he’s “fat.” His explanation was lengthy, but the culprit was, of all things, his “extra volume” shampoo.  Oh Shawn…

July was also the height of his recreational soccer league.  Having played against his Kuykendall-heavy team on numerous occasions, our strategy was always to “keep the ball away from Shawn.”  And if that failed he was to be tripped.  And if that failed we were to make fun of his mom.  It was cutthroat…

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August 1: Posting from his vehicle, Shawn is not at all surprised that the incompetent driver in front of him is a female.  According to Shawn, this entire interaction is dictated by “science.” 

October: Shawn publishes the “Selfie of the Year.” And I ask: what could be better than a picture of Shawn driving eastbound on Route 66 while wearing an oversized Count von Count costume?

Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

November:  Shawn has yet another surgery on his “#kuykenknee.”  The bad news?  Shawn’s mom drove him to the hospital while “slamming” some McDonald’s with full knowledge of the fact that Shawn couldn’t eat.  The good news?  The procedure was followed by some “siiiiiiiick” chicken from Popeyes.  So all is well…

Fashion Statement of the Year: “Girls with Jorts are not money.”  In case you’re confused, this is Shawn’s unique way of conveying his aversion to the way jean shorts look when worn by women.  Honorable mention: “no one looks sexy eating wings.” Of course… 

And speaking of fashion statements, here we go with a deluxe new profile pic:  

Best comment: "no homo you look like a model!"

Shawn looking “SILLAAAYY” with his “iSilly”

And that about wraps up the epic years that were 2010 and 2011.  But worry not, because the next segment of this series contains still more hilarious songs, selfies, and statuses – all of which are nothing short of ri-DONK-ulous. 

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