This is Part Two of a four-part series on Shawn Kuykendall’s epically peculiar Facebook page. In case you missed it, Part One featured a classic Christmas video, a larger-than-life pimple, and a late night run-in with Norman the Zebra. With that in mind, it’s hard to believe things could get any more spectacular. Oh but they do…
On March 27, after a two year Facebook hiatus, Shawn announces that he is “BAAAACK” and “better than ever.” And indeed he is. But what truly makes 2010 such a special year is that Shawn linked his Twitter and Facebook accounts, opening up a floodgate of profound must-reads. Like these:
“Soooo I burned my mouth on hot cookies haha” or
“Golf at Oak Marr. By myself haha again” or
“Aaaaand someone farted during prayer at the morning devotional.”
Note: can’t you just feel yourself becoming more intelligent?
2010 is also when Shawn regularly begins using several variations of the word “donk,” which I confess is a new one on me. The context in which Shawn uses this word leads me to believe it’s an abridged version of “donkey,” used to mock someone as both a noun (“haha you’re such a donk ”) as well as an adjective (“those cargo shorts are “ri-DONK-ulous”). Which could explain this:
“Botch” becomes another regularly employed Shawn-ism, especially when spelled with about seven extra “O’s” and used in the following context: “Mess up of night by me… I said, “down to your nutties” and “down to your uhohs!” BOOOOOOOOOTCH haha”
Oh, and speaking of things botched, here are a few statements I’m sure Shawn would like to take back:
– August 14: “Redskins…Super Bowl. There I said it.” (Finished dead last in the NFC East…).
– September 14: “I could not be happier about having Donovan McNabb as our quarterback.” (Replaced by backup Rex Grossman four months later…).
– November 30: “The Miami Heat will NEVER win a championship.” (NBA Champions 2012, 2013).
And since we’re talking sports, lets discuss the 2010 World Cup, during which Shawn’s 24/7, non-stop commentary created a flood of soccer analysis that nearly drowned my Newsfeed. Think: “Wow Netherlands, WOOOOOOOOOWWW,” then “Come on Netherland,” then “Holland is not sharp right now,” then “Dumb foul by van bommel,” then “Violent tackle from de jong”… all in the course of, like, fifteen minutes.
Other highlights from this great year:
May: Shawn portrays a main character in “For The Glory” – a movie about how Kurt Kuykendall found Jesus and became really good at – shocker here – the sport of soccer. Shawn insists his dad is a living legend, but does so by merely referring him as a “ledge.” To recap: Kurt Kuykendall = “ledge” = living legend. Got it?
May also marks the launch of Shawn’s “Hot Body Campaign,” inspired by the realization that he is both “fat” and “soft.” And while normal humans would characterize this as “getting in shape,” Shawn insists it’s all about “getting his body RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.” Right.
June: Shawn gets stranded on the side of the road with a “double flat tire” and praises God for it “in all seriousness.” Funny how Shawn sees God’s wisdom in something as crappy and bizarre as a car breakdown. In the future, Shawn will face circumstances that are infinitely more crappy and bizarre, and his response will be no different. In all seriousness.
July: Shawn publicly eats Captain Crunch cereal and collects silly bands because, you see, he’s actually seven years old.
August: Shawn has the most highly documented ACL surgery in the history of mankind. And I’m not joking:
October 2: Shawn announces that he is “In a relationship” with a girl that he clearly met that night. Here’s her classic take: “hahaa you’re a creep. I never accepted you as being in a relationship…and I just met you. You’re ridiculous.”
Shawn’s response? “Were in a fight…our first fight.”
It’s for the best that things didn’t work out, because if Shawn had a lady friend by his side then the following “Selfie of the Year” may very well never have been taken. Props for an amazing caption:
Fashion Statement of the Year: “men can wear cardigans.” Hooray! Wait. What about everything else Mr. Rodgers wore? Any restrictions? HELP!!!!
And then there’s this:
Yep, what you just watched was Shawn (and sister Sami) dancing, leaping, and crypt walking around a miniature Christmas tree, with cameo appearances from a fake swordfish and just about every power tool in the Kuykendall shed – all to the tune of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” It’s literally all I want for Christmas.
This year ushers in a tidal wave of profound status updates. Brace for the brilliance:
– “My butt just went numb from sitting on the floor next to the wall charger so my iSilly could charge…” and
– “At an orientation for new staff… This guy across me has a money coffee stain on his collar…. Yiiiiikes” and
– “Ryan Reynolds is a boat of dreams;” and
– “Thursday? yup… looks like a great night for a bath.”
2011 also marks the year Shawn becomes the king of “liking” his own comments, links, pictures and statuses. There were times when Shawn was the only one. He was never deterred…
Highlights from the year that was:
January: Shawn gets stuck in an epic traffic jam (oft referred to in the DC area as the “Traffic-pocalypse”) and posts a video of himself singing “Hakuna Matata.” What a wonderful phrase!
May: Shawn’s team makes it to the finals of the American University staff volleyball tournament. Says Shawn: “we live for opportunities like this.” And indeed we do.
Shawn also launches a soccer training camp called the Kuykendall Academy. My guess is that this is just an excuse to play soccer 100% of the time he is not otherwise sleeping, eating Popeye’s, or attending weddings.
July: Shawn finally figures out why he’s “fat.” His explanation was lengthy, but the culprit was, of all things, his “extra volume” shampoo. Oh Shawn…
July was also the height of his recreational soccer league. Having played against his Kuykendall-heavy team on numerous occasions, our strategy was always to “keep the ball away from Shawn.” And if that failed he was to be tripped. And if that failed we were to make fun of his mom. It was cutthroat…
August 1: Posting from his vehicle, Shawn is not at all surprised that the incompetent driver in front of him is a female. According to Shawn, this entire interaction is dictated by “science.”
October: Shawn publishes the “Selfie of the Year.” And I ask: what could be better than a picture of Shawn driving eastbound on Route 66 while wearing an oversized Count von Count costume?
November: Shawn has yet another surgery on his “#kuykenknee.” The bad news? Shawn’s mom drove him to the hospital while “slamming” some McDonald’s with full knowledge of the fact that Shawn couldn’t eat. The good news? The procedure was followed by some “siiiiiiiick” chicken from Popeyes. So all is well…
Fashion Statement of the Year: “Girls with Jorts are not money.” In case you’re confused, this is Shawn’s unique way of conveying his aversion to the way jean shorts look when worn by women. Honorable mention: “no one looks sexy eating wings.” Of course…
And speaking of fashion statements, here we go with a deluxe new profile pic:
And that about wraps up the epic years that were 2010 and 2011. But worry not, because the next segment of this series contains still more hilarious songs, selfies, and statuses – all of which are nothing short of ri-DONK-ulous.