How I Watch Babies and College Basketball
People who know me know that I absolutely love college hoops. My wife isn’t quite as enthusiastic. Army Wives? Yes! 90210 repeats? Yes! Infomercials? Why not! College basketball? Ugg. College basketball…
In fairness, I feel the same way about “Say Yes to the Dress.” Bottom line: I watch basketball alone.
Anyway, it’s Sunday morning and I missed the “highly anticipated” Indiana/Savannah State game last night because I was gone. Jackie’s asleep, so I’m gonna watch it now. With the kids. This should be interesting.
Before we begin, I note that Jimmy was screaming from 4:30-6:15am. He was hungry. Or lonely. Or bored. Or just felt like torturing us. Either way, he was up and so was I. Now it’s 6:30 and he’s asleep. And as if on cue, Riley’s awake. Fact: they’re not twins, they’re co-conspirators.
Ok, so here’s what it’s like watching babies and a basketball game…
7:00am: get Riley out of bed, go downstairs, start the game on the DVR, and lay about 10 toys on the floor. Lots of toys are crucial – boredom usually sets in on a given toy after about 2 minutes.
I put Riley down and she does something incredible: crawls right past the toys and grabs the remote control, which I take away. Next time I turn around she has my cell phone and has begun eating it. So I take it away. And then, I kid you not, she has her hands in the box of Oreos we left out. Baby girls are smart. Slash evil.
7:11am: Riley makes her way over to the toy bin and dumps it over. I suppose this is a fair compromise. Oh yea, IU is winning 9 to 4.
7:16am: as I watch the game, I notice an advertisement on the side of the basketball court which says “Ken Nunn loves IU basketball.”
Note: for those who are unfamiliar, Ken Nunn is Bloomington, Indiana’s most prominent ambulance-chaser. I see his sign as an example of yet another slimy attorney trying to make a name for himself. But then I start thinking about how many fans at that game will probably get arrested by the time it’s over, and suddenly realize that Ken Nunn is a brilliant marketer. So now my respect for him goes up ever-so-slightly.
7:21am: Riley is getting hungry so I make her some applesauce and rice cereal. Meanwhile, I think I hear Jimmy crying upstairs. I’m a big fan of denial, so I tell myself that I don’t hear Jimmy crying upstairs…
7:23am: Dang it, I definitely hear Jimmy crying upstairs.
7:30am: Having grabbed Jimmy from his crib, he is now sitting on the floor eating his toes while Riley drinks her bottle. IU is up 31 to 18.
Note: if you saw the title of this post and thought it was gonna be about college basketball, by now you probably realize that it’s not. Just know that before babies I was 100% focused when IU was on. Now? 2% focused. Pathetic.
7:33am: I sense that Jimmy is getting bored so I make fart sounds because they’re always good for a cheap laugh. And indeed, I get a cheap laugh out of Jimmy.
7:37am: the announcer notifies us that it’s “Superhero” day at Indiana, and the camera zooms in on many fans who have dressed accordingly. I would say that they look like idiots, but I went to several basketball games dressed as Spiderman…where I looked like an idiot. Ok, they look like idiots.
7:40am: Jimmy and Riley are staring at each other and laughing hysterically. They are letting out random shrieks and drooling all over the place. Seeing this stuff literally makes my day.
7:42am: a commercial comes on. When people DVR sporting events they typically fast forward through the commercials; however, the remote control is on the ground and I am feeling lazy. So it looks like I’m watching these commercials.
7:53am: I need coffee. I would consider taking the kids for a walk to the nearby Starbucks, but I happen to know from personal experience that our stroller doesn’t fit through the door, so that’s out of the question. I scoop up Riley and go make it myself.
Note: I’m convinced that if I make coffee with Riley, she will magically start making it for me at a young age. So for now she comes with me whenever I make it. Which reminds me: I need to start bringing Jimmy with me to mow the lawn, clean the garage, and take out the trash…
7:57am: Riley is now in her “exer-saucer.” For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a sitting apparatus with a bunch of toys on it. It’s genius. And by its name you would think that the primary activity would be exer-cise, but for the past few minutes Riley has been trying to suck the ear off of a poor giraffe. Her usual victim is the panda bear, so I suppose she has developed a sensitivity to endangered animals.
Meanwhile, Jimmy is sitting in his “eating chair” (I’m pretty sure that’s not what Jackie calls it but I don’t know how else to describe it). I feed him a bite of applesauce, and he gives me the “what-did-I-do-to-deserve-poison” look.
I try doing the “airplane” and “choo-choo train” maneuver that I have seen Jackie execute but it doesn’t work. I then make fart sounds and Jimmy laughs. While his mouth is open, I stuff with applesauce. Gets em every time.
8:01am: Jimmy goes in his “bouncy seat” and starts bouncing like an absolute madman.
Meanwhile, Riley seems bored so I give her some crackers. To eat? No. To crumple up into a million pieces and drop all over the floor? Yes. It’s her favorite!
8:03am: babies are occupied, and I finally get to pay attention to the game. Bliss. IU is up 46 to 31.
8:05am: Riley wants out, so I hold her while IU freshman Cody Zeller nails 2 free throws. Money!
8:07am: I look over to realize that Jimmy has literally been bouncing this entire time.
Riley (now on the ground) eyes my pen. She wants it. Somehow, she will get it. But for now, I take it away.
8:12am: I need to go to the bathroom so I leave. Immediately I hear Riley fussing.
Note: when you’re buying time with twins, you’re not buying minutes…you’re buying seconds. I make every one of them count. I run back to the living room and grab the box of donuts on my way in.
8:14am: Jimmy is still bouncing. Still smiling ear to ear. Still got the moves like Jagger.
8:14-and-a-half am: Timeout! Now, before I get into how I fed Riley a donut, let me make a quick comment. When it comes to donuts, our babies don’t like your standard bran or classic glazed. Oh no, they gotta have the white powdery donuts. You know exactly which ones I’m talkin about. These donuts don’t make a mess, they make a crime scene.
8:15am: I feed Riley white powdery donuts. I quickly realize that she would much rather feed herself. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
8:19am: Riley’s donut is doing exactly what I figured it would do: multiplying. I tell myself I will clean it up later (which is a feel-good way of saying “Jackie will take care of it”). 8:21am: IU sophomore Victor Oladipo slam dunk. Nice! IU is up 61 to 39. Somehow 22 points were scored and this is the first one I’ve actually paid attention to. 8:25am: Riley is once again fussing so I sing “BINGO” because Jackie always sings it to them and they love it. I switch up the lyrics and make it “RILEY.” Somehow I don’t think she really notices the difference. Jimmy briefly stops bouncing to listen. He’s entertained for a second, but then goes back to bouncing. Apparently he doesn’t have time for my silliness. He’s got work to do.
8:29am: Jimmy is now tired of the bouncy seat so I put him on my lap and feed him a bottle.
8:32am: bad call goes against IU. The drunk college students let the ref know that they don’t agree with the call. “Hey kids, earmuffs!”
8:34am: Riley grabs my phone off the ground. I’m too lazy to stop her from eating it.
8:36am: Riley grabs her old donut and begins spilling it everywhere. Ok, now I’m up.
8:40am: Jimmy pukes on my pajamas. “It’s ok bud, I did my fair share of puking during IU basketball games…”
Fortunately, it’s not enough puke to induce me to grab a new pair of pajamas. As a general rule of thumb, I won’t change unless the radius of the puke is greater than 3 inches. This radius is only about two inches…well within my limit. Don’t judge me.
8:43am: Riley is ready for her morning nap. I take her up and put her in her crib. 1 down.
8:45am: now it’s just me and Jimmy. Score? Goliath 71, David 42. Also, it only took me an hour and 40 minutes to realize that Savannah State is a historically black college. What triggers that realization? Two things:
1. at this point in time there are 5 black players on the court for their team, and 4 white boys on the floor for Indiana.
2. wikipedia confirms it.
8:49am: Jimmy spots white powdery donuts on the floor and begins eating them. I half expect him to look up at me as if to say “hey no fair Riley got donuts!” but he doesn’t. He’s content with her crumbs, which makes him awesome.
8:51am: The game suddenly stops because I forgot to record the next event on the DVR. The two hours that the Big Ten Network has allocated to this game apparently weren’t enough. Rookie move on my part – I know better than to trust that the game will fit squarely within the allotted timeframe. I suppose this is what you can expect from someone who is 2% focused.
Now that the party’s over, Jimmy goes in for his morning nap. Both babies are asleep, which pretty much is the most beautiful thing ever. Time for me to go downstairs and evaluate the damage caused by a few white powdery donuts. And wouldn’t you know it; our living room isn’t a mess…it’s a crime scene.
The suspects? Just a few co-conspirators…